The Parent Trap

Parents play an integral role in the development of a tennis player at any level.  One of the basic questions that is asked a lot:  what should the parents’ role be?  Unfortunately, with coaches, it’s often an adversarial relationship where the coach feels like he needs a certain amount of responsibility and the parent doesn’t give that to the coach, or the parent interferes too much, or the parent isn’t involved enough and doesn’t seem to care.  For those reasons, and others, we need to look at the appropriate role for a parent at different times in their child’s development.  Should the parent be the one who pulls their child along while trying to create a high-performance player or is the parent the one who should push from behind?  Maybe it’s best for the parents to be the ones who run alongside and support their child when necessary.

So, what is the best scenario?  I personally believe parents are the key component and they need to understand the three different stages their child will likely go through as they learn how to play tennis, or any other sport for that matter.  

• First, and foremost, the child will play for their parent(s). The child goes to please the parent because their parent is the one who took them to their first lessons, drives them around, and is usually the one attending tournaments when they first get started competing.
• Then at some point in time, if the kid becomes serious about tennis, he will develop a relationship with a coach. At that point in time, the kid believes the coach has invested a great deal of time and he will start playing for the coach.
• The last stage that generally happens is when the kid takes ownership of their tennis and plays for themselves, or the child ceases to play altogether.

 Let’s first look at how to nurture the parent role when, at first, you’re child is playing for you. I think every parent means well. Very few parents start out looking to put their kid in something thinking she is going to be the best at it.  They take the time and put their kids in many different things, some which the kid has a natural talent for and some which the kid likes and has no aptitude.  Parents generally do a really good job during this early stage. 

Difficulties begin to arise when a child starts competing at tournaments and other venues, and suddenly, the parents see their kid on the battlefield.  As a parent, you want them to do well, but this is the time when things can get dicey.  Parents need to ask themselves who should be the person taking the lead role in their child’s development during this stage?  I believe parents can stay involved a bit longer if they have a good understanding of athlete development and can help their child clearly differentiate between when they are the coach and when they are being just mommy or daddy. It’s difficult, in general, for kids to discern between mommy or daddy being unhappy with me and when mommy or daddy the coach dislikes something I did.  That’s a really hard juggling act for most parents, and a time when they need to look at letting go to some degree and find a good coach.

It’s my belief that when a child reaches the competition level, the appropriate role for the parents is to find a coach who understands the process and for the parents to begin working through the coach. This is the stage where it’s important for parents to let their child start to grow so he can eventually decide if playing tennis is something he wants.  This is not about the coach becoming the mouthpiece for the parents.  The proper process for parents is to let the coach work with their child, express their satisfaction, dissatisfaction, and concerns directly to the coach, while showing support to their child and making it clear support will always be there.   

Let me be clear.  I am not advocating parents become laissez-faire and totally hands off.  I believe parents will always have the child’s best interest at heart.  They want their child to succeed because it’s their child.  And for that very reason, I think parents should always be involved at some level and ultimately be the final arbiter of what is best for their child.  However, by working through the coach, it becomes easier to support your child when she walks off the court and say ‘I love you’ even though you may not have liked how she performed.  Once you’ve given your child support and love, you can then walk away to call the coach (if he isn’t there) and ask the appropriate questions or give your viewpoint. 

Playing this type of role makes it much easier to hold coaches accountable, instead of trying to hold yourself accountable as the coach. I believe there’s great value in placing coaches in the role where they are ultimately responsible for the player’s development.  Your job, as the parent, is to find a coach who connects with your kid, provides valuable information to your child, and takes responsibility.  If that’s not happening, then you need to look for a new coach and hopefully, you don’t have to do that too many times.   I’ve often said I’ve never had a parent come to me as a coach and say, “you know you’re the greatest coach in the world, but my kid just doesn’t listen, so I am going to pay you to coach somebody else’s kid and my kid just won’t play tennis.” That isn’t reality.  Parents need to hold coaches accountable for connecting with their child and moving them forward.  If the coach isn’t connecting, then the parent’s role is to find someone who does.

Now, none of this is to say parents shouldn’t have high standards or express their expectations to their child about performing to the best of their ability and competing as hard as they can, because I think those values are largely ones that are instilled, first and foremost, in the home.  It is the parents’ role to set the level of expectations as to how the child will conduct himself in practice and on the field of battle.  However, I believe if you have the right coach, then he should be the one driving those messages as well as the player’s development.  And if you know the coach is going to be one who will operate right on the edge, possibly even sometimes over the top, it makes things a lot easier.

Unfortunately, one of the things I’ve seen happen a lot of over time is when it’s been the parent driving the coaching, their child reaches a point, generally early to mid-adolescence, and decides it wasn’t me who wanted to play tennis.  It was my parent’s decision.  At that point, the kid pushes back and says - I don’t want to do this - or they rebel.  I think it’s important for parents to acknowledge what’s happening and find a way to manage it.  Keep in mind, this is the point in time when your child is trying to figure out if she wants to take ownership of her tennis or stop playing altogether.  Parents must find a way to keep their child involved long enough for them to figure out if this is their thing.  Some kids don’t ever figure it out.  But when the parents are over-bearing or have a strong enough presence with their child then the kid usually keeps playing.  Some kids, however, push back hard enough and it shows up in some very negative ways. 

With every kid, pretty much at every level, there are going to be times when the child does not want to do it.  During those periods, parents need to step up and explain to the child he has made a commitment and is going to have to fulfill that commitment.  This behavior appears a lot during the third stage, when kids are trying to figure if they are going to play for themselves.  Even the ones who keep on playing will still have days they don’t want to practice, don’t want to go out and hit that extra basket of serves.  That’s when it’s incumbent on parents to say, ‘here’s the commitment you’ve made, and you need to live up to it.’  Now, it becomes about your child holding herself accountable to what she is trying to achieve.  In this case, the parent is acting as a little extra conscience sitting on their child’s shoulder and reminding her if she wants to be good, then this is what it’s going to take.  It all boils down to the parent taking their child on a trip to the mirror to let him look at himself and answer questions for himself rather than being accountable to the parent.  This is the same thing coaches need to be doing with their players.  It’s one of the reasons why coaches are so valuable.  It’s why adults sometimes have life coaches and mentors:  they are the ones who hold our feet to the fire when we don’t want to go the extra mile to achieve our goal.  And that’s one role I believe parents should always play for their children.